From The Bottom Of My Heart

Friday, yesterday (I’m always thinking today is Sunday; well yes today IS Sunday but it is not for me when I have not slept through Saturday to Sunday, =P), was filled with great shopping and catching up with three other people, Kenny, Sim Mei and See Wah, and of course not to miss out, insani-sarcastic talks and jokes that can never be left behind for added frenzy. It’s actually the sarcasm that complements the hyped up emotions, which often never fail to draw others to turn and put on a curious-annoyed look. Nonetheless, it must be ironed out that the sarcasms are for pure pleasure and never to induce hurt, pain or whatever, though I concede too much of everything does not augur well in the long run.

It was only quite lately that this thought of me being sarcastic really hit me to examine myself more thoroughly, for it had never occurred to me that I was in any way sarcastic with what I said. However, I had a friendly comment from someone who pointed that out in a positive manner (yeah I was surprised it was positive!) and it got me to be very conscious about my words from then on.

Funnily, I enjoy being sarcastic, especially to See Wah, the ‘oh-so-dear’ housemate of mine, because she is definitely a sarcastic person herself (note: positively). I need to emphasise that because it is quite delusional when you talk about sarcasm. If non-acquaintances were to listen to our conversations, they would have to ponder a multitude of times about whether we were having a heated squabble or that we were at each other’s throats over the handsome-feller-over-there. Of course, the truth is that we equally derive satisfaction in dishing out not-so-pleasant comments and remarks to each other, that end up tickling our funny bones and having us come up with all sorts of theories. =). If there were a word to describe that sort of odd behaviour, it’s sarcassistic.

Anyhow, I went shopping for my bro’s budday pressie on Friday (yes back to that) and got him a fine Reebok red-blue bag; probably I can use it too because I so love the design. It’s his budday today (1st October). We went out for dinner together with Mel just now, after which we forcefully coaxed him into lighting candles and cutting the cheese cake that Mum bought. I even had a video of him cutting the cake. Well, he did tell Mum and Mel that he was not in favour of a cake, but he DID NOT tell me. LOL. So I told Mum to get one and we sang a birthday song for him AT the restaurant, much to his reluctance. LOL. I must say that I enjoyed bullying him in that sense but he was happy so I guess I did not cross the line, did I?

Now, I am sort of forming a poem in my head to write down on his budday card that I will slip into the bag and pass to him before the day is over.

Happy day everyone!

Just to satisfy, or rather tempt, the food lover’s inquisitive taste buds that thrive on fantastically tasty delicacies, yours truly would like to reiterate for the umpteenth time that Klang Rojak IS one of a kind, period. That said, you can imagine what a satisfied soul I am now having devoured a good whole packet of it + Kak Irma’s intricate recipe of tempe. KLANG ROJAK IS AWESOME! It’s true you know, at least for me. I did not use to quite think about how it tasted when I had the pleasure of savouring it every week at one time but after trying the rojak at different places, I now know this for sure. You want evidence? Get a mood-o-metre plugged into me and you’ll see the needle point to euphoric beyond food…err words. Heck I can’t even express myself appropriately.LOL ;P.

The truth of the matter is, I had been missing it for a whole semester of over 16 weeks, and when I finally got news of it from the lounge, the bodily springing mechanism was automatically turned on in response to what mouthwatering stimulus that was to be encountered and the pre-stimulus-wave that was already building. As much of an embarrassment it is that I practically ran-jumped my way to the dining table, it was so worth the wait; not that I would throw a tantrum or anything if it were not to be, though I wouldn’t be as contented as now.

One thing that’s bothering me, however, is how my body is experiencing a deteriorating defence function. I’m not sick or even close to it (cross my fingers, can’t afford that just before next week), but the sneezes have definitely found ground in my nose. Hopefully it’s nothing serious, and probably only just a signal of a teeny-bitsy switch in my waking and sleeping hours. Only time will tell. Time tells many things, doesn’t it?

I’m feeling:

1) overjoyed - for having downloaded a few songs I’ve been craving so desperately for that I swear I could have torn my screen down had I not found them

2) worried - for having not received any email thus far from my external supervisor although she claimed to have sent it the first time and thereafter said she would resend upon knowing I had not received it

3) anxious - knowing that I would be getting my hands on certain CDs come tuesday, if everything sails through smoothly, that is

4) repugnant - over the attitudes or behaviours of certain people that I still am unable to fathom

5) a slight thudding pain in my ears - for having blasted the music for a tad over three hours

6) a slight irritation - over something the Mum or the maid has misplaced, which the three ladies in the house are fervently looking for now

7) that I need to touch down on my bed soon, hopefully. It’s 3.53 am.

A sweet looking back brought me to last year when I was reading a copy of CLEO and I had this test taken in which I turned out to be an emotional genius or probably have always been. Do you see how only my left eyebrow is raised now? Haha. Anyway, the title doesn’t mean I cry all that too often or anything of that sort because crying is not a hobby to me, I must say.

But who doesn’t cry every now and then? Truthfully, I don’t know for sure who cries when and how often but I just have this hunch or whatever sense you call that, that most people do it once in a while to rid the burdens and tensions that build over a period of time. Pathetic or not, I find myself wondering about this sometimes when I am with people, like "Hmm does he cry at all?" or "Is she hiding her emotions and will she cry when she gets back home?".

It’s sort of intruding into the privacy of others in a silent way, I know, but these thoughts can’t be helped, seriously. If ever there could be a method to map out the thoughts of people, the earth would not have enough energy and capacity to sustain such ‘thoughtful’ activities.

Anyhow, in case you’re wondering, I feel a whole lot lifted after every powerful crying followed by a good sleep. In fact, I have noticed that every session of that actually has me revitalised and perked up for more to come my way. I’m even beginning to think that some amount of tear-shedding releases endorphines (happy hormones) too, just like what laughing is so popularly known to do.

Okay enough about crying. Here’s what I would like to share about what happened to my mum this afternoon. I was not around but what took place was that a lady who drove a black Honda-dunno-what stopped by in front of my house to have a little picky at the pandan leaves that my mum has planted in her so-called garden. The moment she saw my mum emerging from the house (my mum caught her so pandan-leaves-handed with two bunches cut from the roots), she asked if the plant belonged to us. Mum said yes, asked her which plant she took the leaves from and she said ours. Following that, she discourteously suggested that she would pay for them. Mum then asked her gently what she thought would happen if everyone else did the same. As expected of such obnoxiously behavioured people, she threw the two bunches to the ground, got into her car and sped off.

I just wonder when people will start behaving courteously, even to strangers. It could probably never happen, given that everything seems imperfect. However, I believe near-perfection is what we shall strive to achieve. What a lame optimist I must seem to be like. LOL.

Crying is not a crime, but stealing IS.

I’m actually in the middle of a show now but the events in the show have just forced me to plug in that telephone line (yes it’s dial-up connection and the slowest among its counterparts in case some of you haven’t noticed), in search of this page to muse upon how lucky we are with so many things at our disposal. What I mean here is, even walking on marble flooring everyday is a blessing if you think of how stone-age people stroll on mud or rather stones, well it’s not that marble is not stone but a much more refined version at that, and we (including yours truly) complain of not having enough empathy from parents instead of counting our blessings for having the luxury of technology (the telephone line, this page etc.)?

I’m actually so very frustrated with all the complaints that I have and it’s probably time enough that I start feeling more appreciation everyday. You see, I’m already grateful for all that I have but not sufficiently enough to put my whinging to a halt.

Anyway, the folk in Lost have done a great job in throwing me in reflection of how a difficult task it is to build a civilisation. Just stop doing what you’re doing now and imagine what will happen if someday you’re one of the key persons involved in constructing a whole new world comprising creatures of the highest-level of thoughts. Do you think all the knowledge we have now, living in this time, would suffice for us to survive from scratch? Or would the knowledge that we have now only bring us back to square one, like how our predecessors learnt everything from nothing, with only the sun and the moon appearing in alternation and sitting smug-faced in the sky watching our helplessness?

Oh I digress.

Whenever I read anywhere that stipulates knowledge or information is power, I can only stop and think what one of my lecturers said, "The more you study, the more you don’t know". So why we are toiling so hard to get that diploma, degree or whatever paper qualification, I can’t find a general explanation. I say it may be a challenge to some, a desperation to others. No pun intended here, aight.

Well, I should probably get back to what I was doing before this. Till then, gather more knowledge and see if you feel more powerful or in despair. =P.lol.

Enslaved to the end, qualified,

Cause for nothing, gleaming,

There goes the pieces, shaking,

The crystals of hope, liquidified,

Strands of deceit, ever flowing,

Return to the threshold, coming,

A swell in the well-being, glorified.

There has been too much that I have been thinking, so much so that the thoughts intensify before the last moment of wakedness in bed (lol); hence I have decided to put everything as above. It pretty much sums up in brief the moments I have been going through, people that have crossed my path as well as reentered my life and always appearing in my dreams, and events that are to be cherished, no matter good or bad.

Anyway, I shall soon have my eyes fixed to watching Lost Season 1 and not repeat the mistakes I have made with it. lol. Those who know my story, I can see your heads shaking in unison. lol.

Sometimes when you look around and see people who are insensitive co-existing with the more sensitive ones, you just wonder what has become of this world that people are so taken into themselves that they fail to see (note: it’s ’see’) that there are also others to consider before making any decisions or taking any actions. I don’t know if it’s only me thinking too much but what if the paranoia has just gotten so bad that every time I walk back to my own house, I have to turn at every swoosh of ANYTHING coming from behind, not to mention getting distracted from any conversation with another person, which always used to be great fun.

Where has all the care gone? Or perhaps that has never existed and I’m too naive to see it. What I’m talking about, well, is not quite limited to only feeling unsafe everywhere you go. It’s already not safe in shopping malls where cameras are installed to capture videos that satisfy the inhumane souls out there, which is utterly disgusting, what more other things that are being committed every other place. Some people may say that if there’s no evil this world will not be this world anymore. Haha. Probably it’s just questions that always fly pass whenever I see things happening before my eyes. Isn’t it better if I had my sight taken away, but I don’t wish for that because my hearing would be sharpened and it would probably will have to be pinched away too, and a whole cascade of events could probably follow suit. After all, see no evil, hear no evil, do no evil. So see evil, hear evil, do evil. Is that really what’s happening? Is everyone really into a certain amount of evil, including you and me? LOL…

I’m just disgusted at certain things that I’ve seen and that have definitely intensified through my senses (eg. a school boy about 9 years of age talking dirty and kissing your car thereafter; I blame irresponsible upbringing for that), and it’s just disheartening that certain people talk to you with an intention in mind other than to bond. I consider that disgusting too, yeah. I may still be a little naive when it comes to certain issues but I sure as hell can feel that.

And this comes in the wake of me being sucked into a throat-drought and highways of thoughts being expanded across my most important survival tool (others’ as well). Heck, I don’t know if I have my words being typed out right. LOL.