From The Bottom Of My Heart

Oh dear, I’m feeling tipsy now. But it’s a good time to lay out what my neuro-cells are working on now that I don’t feel quite sober. I am actuallly thinking how I am able to do ‘this’ considering how ‘light’ everything around feels right now.

The moment feels more than a tad right at this state of presence, frankly. It is more than I can beg for. It is what I have not been feeling for a long time. I am glad I am at this state this moment. I am guessing, ”You’re wasted", is what is passing your few metres’ long thinking organ right this second, but you know what, it is more than wasted is what I am now.

This feeling is great, not too much of sensitivity, not too much of vulnerability, not too much of sensibility; just a perfect amount of balance. Sometimes when it is said that too much of something doesn’t do good, take that to your wise-self, if you think you are wise. But even if you do not think yourself to have enough wisdom to conquer the world, just put that to good use likewise.

When everything is flowing extremely smoothly, there are no reservations, not that I know of now. Just be in the moment and give all of what you are or want to be or what you’re happy to show. Reveal, show, just know who you are!

p.s. The world is evil. But you are not. So do what you need to do.

*spinning*, *reaching*, *soaring in the twilight*…

The way our hearing equipment and analytical tool are being put to use is getting more and more contaminated. All souls all over should start having their ears tuned to receive frequencies from those around them. The scene that is obvious is that many a time, all that interests most is a boastful display of stories to others and a neglect in taking the time to be concerned about others.

As more takes place in one’s life, one tends to ignore the need of others to be heard as well. The paradox here is that with never before seen means of communication available today to mankind, most that is delivered is self-centredness and one-way-traffic thoughts instead of a richer sharing of experiences between communicating parties.

Almost everywhere, the plea for people to just do as much as listen falls on deaf ears even when it is so widespread over the media. If only readers listen too to what they read and listen to what they hear, the company of people would be so much more pleasurable an experience.

I have been around people who only like to word their lives to you but are never ready to or probably do not comprehend the value of sharing yours as well. This category of people also lay their brain gleefully for all to see but would rather have others’ stored away. It is loathesome this behaviour but they never tire of babbling on and on, from mountains to valleys to oceans of their lives. They then brush aside whatever you have to say as if your life’s stories are worth less than theirs, that every part of their survival is a notch greater than yours.

People actually do know somewhere in their subconscious mind that listening is vital in communication and no less important than speaking, if not more, but most choose to refuse to contribute a little aid by seriously digesting others’ minds because they are simply not theirs. I would like to be convinced otherwise, but that is just the way people deal with their stressful lives - neglecting others.

If only people took the time to LISTEN, if only. If only people gave a damn about people, if only. If only people planted some empathy into their hearts, for goodness’ sake.

Anyhow, the tired one here is glad that the whole ’sort-of-forced-to’ issue turned out to be a smooth journey of sorts, from rub-butt-entertainment to baht-worth-spendings. The only viable thing to do in facing this tainted world is to bring joy to one’s self by one’s own self.

In the life of living ones like us who have the gift of a higher level of intellect and hence, better emotional senses, there’s a certain allegiance attached - that is difficult to be overlooked - to fulfill the yearns of those whom we are so fond of.

Now, after a whole week of having been told by the Mum that she would do good with the idea of going for a trip up north with two other uncles and their wives, I am now her official escort out of an informal agreement that was not really given with a very willing heart on my behalf.

The events that took place were milliseconds apart. This afternoon, as I took a seat next to her after having come out from the IT world with the God-brother, she announced with joy "Li Ern, guess what, we’re going!". Surprised, I asked innocently, "Am I going too?". Well, well, I think the conclusion is quite obvious, or is it not?

*gasp for air*…exhale…*gasp*.*gasp*.*gasp*

Another moment of all feelings packed together. Is there a word for it? I know I’ve always known myself to be quite a horrendous multitasker but I guess I must be a good multiemotion-ater instead. Maybe I should list them down again. I’m feeling

1) still disappointed, the remnants of ‘it’ are what I still breathe, I still can’t accept it with an open heart and probably will never be able to for quite some time.

2) lethargic, I can feel the insides of my brain tighten and my eyes are as good as burnt.

3) glad, that I haven’t lost my laughing senses.

4) a little guilty, that I should still be able to laugh.

5) anxious, for a little dosage of the movies playing at the cinemas.

6) guilty, for not being interested in going to Haadyai with the Mum.

Overall mood: Crappy

Happy DiwaRaya!!! The festive mood is here to give me a supposed long-lived one (until the Monday after next) but the rumour was given a soft blow when the supervisor came to me informing me that she was to be on leave for the whole of next week and that I was to be under the care of the co-supervisor. Nice.

However, there was no mention, whatsoever, of any festive gift for me, and my fellow comrades of course. What’s worse, or rather, ridiculous, is that the whole department will not be around except for us little ones. So much for hoping for a long week off, eh.

Anyway, although it has only been three weeks, I’ve been feeling like an old granny for as long already. If you’re familiar with rheumatism, you’ll know what I mean and feel because the sharp ache in the bones can leave you traumatised for a whole night. Looking back, when I was younger, the pain would bring me to tears when it became unbearable. Now, though, it has become somewhat of a norm that I’ve learnt to live with.

I guess I should start taking the Mum’s words seriously now to not shower too late, otherwise this inevitable thought that pops up whenever rheumatism strikes, "Shit, I’m aging at 20", will really force the wrinkles out prematurely because you are what you think you are. Old habits, old habits, they don’t augur well for me.

I blame it on alcohol too actually. But I’ve cut down a lot on that ever since I came to know that for certain people, the alcohol seeps into the bones, not the circulatory system. I could be the ‘certain people’, so even though there is no evidence on that yet as far as I am concerned, I ain’t taking any chances on my youth.

This little one here is horrifyingly DEVASTATED. What’s done is done, what’s out is the truth. But what is felt and will continue to linger is utter disappointment. A big hug to those who have offered kind words and frank thoughts. I will fight this battle to heal my deeply wounded and bleeding soul, but for how long more I don’t know. I am pained and I will continue to cry tears of disappointment.

The Dad walks into the kitchen. The Mum tells the Daughter something.

The Mum says: Your Dad is offering to give you a trip to Kuilin with me. What do you think?

The Daughter reacts: *hehehe* (no sarcasm intended though). Why? I’d still be working then.

The Mum says: Well, he just wants to. Why don’t you ask if you can get a whole week’s leave?

The Daughter: I’m not too sure if it is possible and I’ll have to think about it since as I told you, I’d still be working then, and I guess I’m not too interested in the place.

The Mum: Try asking and see.

The Dad walks out: Yeah la. Ask and see.

The Daughter: I’ll think about it but I don’t think it’ll be a yes. Why don’t you save on the trip for me and instead let me go for a little shopping?

The Dad: Hmmmm. =.=”’

Until now, the Daughter still thinks she’s not interested in going to China as yet. Maybe later when there is a calling or something. The offer is deeply appreciated but the Daughter wonders if it was an opportunity passed up.

I’ve long wanted to do this.

She was a great person with a great heart for things she did. She thrived while others had long passed the baton. The one thing that people will never forget is her strong passion for life and everything that came with it, be it the darkest pits of disaster or pleasurable bargains. Sacrifices were to her the recipe to happiness.

It never came across so intimately that her existence was such a blessing to everyone around her but now I see her light being shone gracefully into the lives of all those who were fortunate enough to be acquainted with her in one way or another, well at least in mine.

Who can forget her spirit that sent out heaps of joy and at the same time, fear, in those who were faint hearted to such a strong character? Her stance and visions were spelt out so loudly that you could almost literally picture the depths of her mind. She always meant no harm to others but her steadfastness could knock the daylight out of anyone.

All I have is respect for her and the motivation that she cultivated to give everything a go. There was always no mistaking that she was to go on to chart out a life of historical success and that was exactly what she had achieved with her deep passion for life and the etched memories she has left in so many of us.

Our Maker has taken her away for a better purpose for her job here is completed. She has proven that no matter who you are, the purpose of life is a life of purpose.

May you rest in peace, my friend.

Yea yea, so I am into my second week of training now and I have been feeling really tired to even ‘walk or talk’ (as I told someone). The lethargy is so getting into me but I don’t think it is very possible to bail out now, or do I actually think so? No. I’m coming to terms with it after the initial confusion and lack of appropriate enthusiasm that I think is beginning to gain a momentum of its own.

Ok so I’m doing SSF (solid state fermentation) and "what are you talking about?", you think. What’s a personal blog without my own jargons rite? It’s basically fermentation done on a solid medium. After a week, I’m getting quite the hang of it, great for me, otherwise I would crumble to the deepest depth of this planet without a soul to pity for me because of the voluntary choice even though it is not compulsory. Actually, I still wonder why I bothered applying for it since we were told it would not be graded. Wouldn’t anyone after having a great semester of sleepless nights want to spend some quality quiet time to themselves catching up with what have been sacrificed and getting enough revitalisation before the onset of another wonderous full-brain usage period? I beg to differ, really.

Anyway, there was a movie on Star Movies a while ago about this girl chasing her skating dreams forgoing her entrance into Harvard, hers and her mum’s (ok more of her mum’s) goal ever since she came into existence. Now, where do you think this leads to? Of course, pursuing your own dreams and wants. And where do I stand? I have a shadowed image stuck in my mind. This ring of "follow your dreams" has been resonating constantly at the back of my mind for God knows how long and it has intensified lately.

Am I in search of something important? Yes. But do I know when it will dock along the harbour of my life? Erm. I suppose I have no control over that. Do you see a lost soul? I sure do feel like one. Lastly, will I let that stop me from what I’m doing now? Definitely not, I hope.