From The Bottom Of My Heart

I must say this, the DeepaRaya celebration was a blast for us trainees. I feel bad for the few VIPs who did attend the dinner since the limelight was unintentionally stolen by this bunch of little ones who couldn’t get enough of their cameras and their ‘larger-than-life-at-the-moment’ shots. Those moments that will never vanish from my memory bank for as long as I am able to retain them were the "Koh-Kok Family" portraits, the kolam, the decorated board, and of course, the pics with emotions.

I do wonder, though, whether this same bunch of people would behave the way they did next time. I wonder if I would still ever again have the chance to dive into such oblivious dealings as what I used to enjoy - with delayed worries and moments of pure childishness.

We all face it but I guess I’m thinking about it more than others nowadays. As age catches up - although I’m still fresher and younger than some (LOL) - , I can’t stop but think about societal pressure and social conformity. Thoughts like whether it’s appropriate to be like how I am now when I reach 25 or older, whether it would be fine for me to whine, crap, be humiliatingly careless unintentionally, or go round breaking glasswares in the lab, often creep up to crush my hopes of the wonders of losing myself for the exhilaration of a blissful adulthood. I hope positivity prevails, anyhow.

This afternoon, there was a first for me. Never in my life had I ever been caught in this situation. I was tying my hair in the Ladies’, looking at myself at every angle from the full length mirror to correct any indecent detail on my appearance, and when I turned to pull the door open after my vain self granted an approval to my appearance, the face that dashed towards me sent me almost jumping. It was Tian Tian. As usual, we were both so tickled by the incident as we are always tickled by almost anything we touch on. She is one person I can laugh with and at everytime I just so much as look at her.

Fortunately, I am not a member of the fairer sex that screams for almost anything and everything in the world, though I have a grudge towards the ugly roaches.

Everything that happened today balanced themselves out. To start with, I made a humongously careless blunder by extracting the wrong set of flasks and getting all so tensed up it showed. My supervisor saw how serious I got that she offered to take over a couple of assays but I took all the readings. It is rare to have such a superb superior that any trainee can warm up to and have a few laughs with. The rest of the day went on so so but I’m glad I had all my glasswares washed before it was called a day.

I have to concede that people who see me work get frightened or somewhat intimidated of how my expression shows that I mean business. There have already been a few instances whereby I have received ‘take it easy’ remarks from my two supervisors. To think that they can even say it to a person like me seems outlandish and abnormal. But I do relish knowing I send out different and seemingly funny signals to different people. There was even a comment from someone recently saying that I looked like some drummer or rocker (I do wish to learn to play the drums some day).

Muah. Learning about yourself through others can be interesting.

((((((((((( I am I ))))))))))).

… *APPRECIATION IS A TEST OF PATIENCE* …

Did I mention Shogun at all before? I guess I must have been too messed up with my body aches to remember things.

Shogun serves fabulous food, period. But after having had a substantial amount of sushi last Saturday, I doubt I’ll touch any too soon.

However, these days, coffee has been what I cannot live without. The attachment (I dare not say addiction just yet) I have to it has been growing so gradually over these few weeks that I had not noticed what its lure had done to me until I missed a cup a couple of days ago.

The coffee story is, I take a cup every morning before entering the lab. Two days ago, I reached office on the dot, so I was forced to skip that cup. Before I knew what was happening, my eyes were having a hard time trying to stay open when the sun was still up. This lasted the whole day that I slumped onto my bed very early that night. I’ve since realised that my body is currently very dependent on caffeine to stay energised, but I don’t know of anything that can be done because I need that kind of vitality to keep afresh until December comes.

Besides, I only have a dose a day, not three or four cups every twenty four hours. I do know what coffee does to people, though the effects vary from person to person. Like what the Mum said, everyone’s system is different.

What I’m feeling at 11.11 p.m. (now):

excitement (for tomorrow), sadness (that December 15 is drawing near), tired (because it’s time to be unconscious)

*yawwwwwnn*…

Oh dear. I seriously wonder why trainees keep coming in in droves. Just this morning, there was an addition of 5 from Monash and another from Otago. The place is so crammed now that there is not much space for work, and worse than that is, there is still work that leaves for less time to mingle around with the other nut-cases.

Somehow, I’m getting this feeling that I will miss the lab a lot, the place where the ‘cheap labours’ gather and do and talk ‘cheap stuff’. I even had a dream one night last week in which I saw myself parting with all of them there and the whole SSF project that has become a routine to me. It was such an emotional unconscious encounter and boy, do I think I’d better imagine more of that situation now to be ready for the conscious version soon.

Besides having my hands full on the extractions and assays, there are more to worry now considering there has been a new experiment designed and assigned to us only today, what more with the upcoming DeepaRaya event that seems to grow in formality day after day, and that we are supposed to be in charge of the decoration part of it. Someone suggested (though knowing it won’t come true) to have games for the VIPs and I began imagining the VIPs in coats and blazers going around in circles playing ‘musical chair’. Imagine too the VIPs playing ‘throw the ring around the conical flask’ and that will be the end of what formality should be and the start of how status can be compromised so easily. Ah, how I wish to see these ideas come to live this Friday, though I think it is only right for me to turn into a pessimist in this case. LOL.

Anyhow, we have decided to come up with a kolam, as well as other usual decos like ketupats and lamps. Yuan Ni and I kind of agreed that the whole thing could turn out in the best of style if we throw in the ornaments as we go about it on the spot, rather than getting the whole plan constructed too heavily on paper only to have it screwed in the end.

*sigh*

All that and thinking that we haven’t put to paper yet what we are to buy and that the event is only four days away, I cross my fingers that the SSF project does not get tangled in coloured rice, ketupats and gold dust, and that the inoculations do not get contaminated by my current state of mishmash.

*crosses fingers*…

Ouch!!…

It’s the time of the year again when my body is breaking down to pieces because of the cummulative bashing I’ve been receiving, both due to the heaps of tasks and  partly voluntarily. I don’t know, I say it’s partly voluntarily maybe because I can choose not to do certain things but still do them. However, my muscles feel twisted, my head feels light, my eyes are burning and my joints and bones are aching awfully.

The one I call "Paa" brewed some ‘Hor yan hor’ tea for me two hours ago. It’s funny how he always tells me to take it but I always hesitate to bring myself to the tea bags in the hopes that he would brew a cup for me. Although it sounds childish, I think I just love the idea of drinking something that is made with love and care. So is the case with half-boiled eggs that I would eat with more satisfaction if they were made by him. The Mum also passed a few Panadol pills for sakit sendi dan tulang that I took reluctantly. For some reason I do not trust Panadol. I had to put that distrust aside since I had no other choice.

Anyhow, when I think of what’s coming up next week, the DeepaRaya celebration and the whole decoration team thingy, as well as movies, there’s the excitement that awaits to be released. But when all that are running through my thoughts now, when my limbs feel like crap, I just wish for a good massage. I now regret having not gone for one during the Haadyai trip.

Cry!!!

If you wish for good Malaysian movies, do go for Sepet and Sepet 2: Gubra. These two movies really make Malaysians feel a great sense of belonging because they portray scenes that Malaysians like me can relate to. And although they are slow moving, it is because of this that the emotions that they embody are more so what many can empathise with. If there is a chance, I guess I would love to get my hands on "Good Boys" as well, another movie by a fellow Malaysian.

*stretching*…

Ouch!!

This afternoon, Muthu and Alicia were showing me the year books of their respective schools, and also, how I looked, talked and walked like their friends. Besides having me trying to protect my unique individuality (by honestly thinking and denying that neither of the two persons looked like me), it also got me thinking back about the old times. Since my memory is as good as it is short term, I wondered how it would feel to relive my school days. However, not many events sprang up this afternoon.

Just a while ago, though, I flipped through STAR’s 2003 Suria and all the memories came together piece by piece. The softball tournaments, coaches, travels, fatigue, weird people, bruises, sunburns, sunblock; the PBSM marches, meetings, quarrels, stay-backs, artworks, reports, camps, committee, teachers, members, laughs; 5S1 dramas, punishments, classes; other events.

One sad thing that I would change if I were at it now, I would make sure all the softball events are well photographed and reported because there was no mention of the tournaments whatsoever. So what I really have are abstract memories of the people, the venues and the games. Given that my memory fails me most of the time, I sure wish that I will not be plagued by Alzheimer’s any earlier because it would hurt to have all those washed away by a mere health condition.

It’s nostalgic that three years have passed so quickly but at the same time, surprising too that only three years can make so much of a difference. I, for one, definitely think that many things have changed for me ever since I graduated from high school. I say that without any remorse or satisfaction or regret, but with astonishment at the concept of time and how everything changes with it.

Even now, I feel so different from what happened only a few weeks ago and it has been only a few weeks, as in no longer than 30 days. I guess right now I’m just having a time shock and if I should continue to remain perplexed over what takes place over time, I wouldn’t be surprised, as long as I do not develop a peculiar obsession over it.

Time heals all wounds, and time confuses too (creatures like me only maybe). I shall get some rest.

…*blink*…*blink*…

The spirit is scanning through the mind…

Whether or not it seems too early for this, I seem to yearn to comprehend substance even more these days. I seem to myself to be a person with many things in the mind, the traffic being too heavy that when it comes to getting them out, I need time to piece them properly together.

Whiling away my time that should be spent in front of the entertainment-box now, the remnants of the past call for attention. It has been an extremely interfering journey to watch thorns pierce through others at the expense of everyone. Everytime, staring into blank air and wondering how everything would have turned out had events been different, the sense of helplessness overwhelms too much, knowing that it is only the present and the future are within grasp. When I should be starting on this Nana manga I have borrowed from a dear one, I am sensing a little melancholy sinking in. There probably needs to be a balance that I must subject myself to subconsciously before indulging too much in lighter materials.

What is going on and happened…

I am wondering how a person’s temple trip was or will be and what wishes and hopes an atheist would make in a temple, when religion has not yet been part of life. Hopefully I will get to dig soon.

Anyway, another four of us went for a midnight movie just a while ago. It was "The Covenant" that we watched and the story I would rate a ‘B’ because the powers were so typical, the storyline quite predictable and had a resemblance, I thought, to "Charmed".

Well, we had dinner initially and then fetched one who stayed across the river back home. When we three were about to reach home, I suddenly asked whether anyone wanted to do anything else since the night was still young. My dear housemates screamed midnight movie. So midnight movie it was, but of course after picking up the one we fetched home already. One weird thing though, I was splashed from another cubicle while at the Ladies’ by someone I so so know. Funny though it may seem, it was an unfortunate incident.

All right, I guess off I go now for a dose of manga/anime. My anime friends, I know you’ll be happy to see me do this. Take pride, take pride.

*lub-dub*…*lub-dub*…

After working hours today, four of us rushed to Mid Valley to catch the latest "Death Note". I must say it was a blardee AWESOME one. It was only after watching it that I realised how my most favourable comment before was good, worth watching.

But after "Death Note", I feel obliged to concede that it was the best I have ever seen on a cinema screen, next to "Da Vinci Code" and the two trilogies.

*pauses for a moment*.

Yes. It’s still the best even after that pause to compare another time.

So, I digress.

Muthu and everyone else sure do make my day almost everyday now. It’s perilously hillarious to get your bones tickled while trying to stay focus in the experiments. The issues going on now are the "why" issue, the "ahem and ahem" gossips, and the way the immitations can give most a rush of endorphins.

Sometimes though, I feel the moments of stress - like those in uni - get back to me because of deadlines and the schedule to follow. It’s scary to feel that feeling to the extent that I thought it could turn into a phobia at one point. I mean going through sleepless nights and worrying about everything from what the lecturer was going to nag about the next day to whether or not the reports and homeworks could be completed in time; those are horrendously destructive to the spirit, if not handled carefully.

As for now, the ache in my neck and legs and practically every bone in my body is slowly taking away a few years of my life. But that’s definitely better than to have half of my life taken away in return for a favour from the god of death. Haha.

JUST INDULGE, PEOPLE!

*drawing in more oxygen*…

*blink blink*…

I hear something. Ah. Music it is.

I smell something. The Dad’s dinner.

I see something. "Desire: Table For Three" is playing now.

I did something. Watched ever-entertaining "Ed".

I’m wondering something. Why can’t I speak all the existing languages and dialects in this country?

*BLINK*…*BLINK*…*BLINK*

A fantastically crappy day it was today. It started with this one here being put under freezing cold temperature that the meat below my fingernails turned greyish-purple to the extent that I couldn’t conform to my normal movements. That aside, sweet havoc was in the air.

It’s just ever so enlightening to learn with each passing day, how different people are in different parts of the world and how collectivity does influence the manner in which people interact, think and communicate themselves to others. I wouldn’t say I see this in a newborn’s point of view because evolution of the mind truly takes place with every conscious moment, and during moments we take for granted, likewise.

Sometimes, I wonder what a thin line it is between knowing and not knowing something that wouldn’t make much of a difference either way, in the end, but the significance lies in the little implication itself. I always see that in people because humans are the easiest to dissect to a certain extent considering how I am one of them and there’s an inclination for me to delve into that area every once in a while.

For the record, I’m really glad that a few UTAR-ians get to be with a few other Sedaya-ans to be Sime Darby-ians for a short enough stint, that will serve to be a blessing in disguise, if not a blunder, which could bring out the best of both worlds, if worked out properly. If there is anything worth cherishing for the good of humanity, it is the exchange and sharing of values as well as perspectives of diverse groups.

I’m glad too that a dear one has finally found herself in the midst of tangling responsibilities and pieces of history. But, I wish for the best for another dear one who has another week of uncertainty that may lead to ceaseless pain to him and those around if things are dealt with too hastily and thoughtlessly.

*gropes for light and wisdom*…

I’m flabbergasted as to how alike I can be to so many people even within the boundaries of Selangor and Kuala Lumpur. The first time was when Li Ping and I were thought to be ‘twins‘ and the latest was the comment of a fellow trainee that I look, talk and even walk like a friend of hers!

Yes, I am indeed aware that there are about seven people in the world who look almost exactly alike (as what I used to hear from my friends in school) but it is bizarrely weird that I should look, talk and even walk like someone else.

The funniest I have heard was from the Brother who said that he really truly believed the person he saw was me until he saw that the ‘me’ was puffing on a cigarrete. Sometimes I wonder how it came about that I can be so look-alike-able but I am expecting to look like more people as I meet more of those people who know the ‘me’s’.

Anyway, I just would like to highlight here that even though I know that the world is a crappy place to live in, that even though there are more people who’d prefer not to be living the lives that they’re living than those who can bear with the cruelty that spells their lives, it is no excuse to let evil breed in ourselves. When we let it happen, it is ourselves that we give up on, not the world, not others.

Positivity is what we are, but most times, we choose to let the easier, cruel path overwhelm us. Look deeper down, and see if we really are willing to let ourselves be taken over by tempting greed, insecurity, selfishness, jealousy, self-indulgence, avoidance, or will we be better off being selfless, giving, caring, understanding, loving?