Tap, tap, tap
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006Since two hours ago until now, I should be setting my eyes upon this movie I bought weeks back, the one I have been wanting to catch even before the holidays started. But I’m pulled to this page again to give a visible life of what I’ve kept for these past few weeks that I haven’t been able to express because of certain constraints and the abundance of food and weight-gaining.
I have been feeling quite different lately, and there are always things about me now that I compare to the me last year. Of course, the good part is I feel much has improved and that my tastes are revolutionising to take a change for being in the third decade of life, which ironically dawns on me sometimes, too, that the aged me longs to be as young as always. And the only way to do that is to be happy and release endorphins that boost the immune system as well as other bodily systems in a way that has an anti-ageing effect. Now I understand how Yuan Ni, Ah Liang and Ting Ting feel.
Yet, it means everyone else has grown too, for better or for worse. The cycle of life seems more obvious now than ever before with the bereavement of so many people I know and myself not spared.
I actually had a dream two days ago, in which my grandaunt, who has gone to be with the Lord, was taken out of her casket and put to sit in the car driven by her husband, because that was the way a person was to be sent off in the case of my dream. The car was filled so that it reached its maximum capacity of five, and I was one of those who was behind with her. As we were on our way to the crematorium, the windows were wound down. I remember thinking in my dream, that it would be eerie if she opened her eyes, yet I dared a few glimpses at her to see if she would come back to life (I was discussing it with my God-bro the night before, which was Christmas night).
Gosh, I can feel the chill running up my spine now as I type. It brings back recollection of how I got this same feeling when I was watching "Stay Alive" all by myself at 2am in the morning, right where I am now. Well, I shall digress now.
The event that happened next was that - you know when you’re driving with the windows down, you get dirty air with dust particles blown into the car - there came a stifling cough from her. To my horror, her eyes opened when I looked at her. She choked on the dust and behaved like how everyone does when dusty air enters our airways. It was as if her soul suddenly found its way back into her body and the experience completely numbed me, who was sitting there right beside her.
Things started running through my head. It was a plot. She faked her death for reasons that were unknown to us. Maybe it was to test the people around her. I remember too, that her husband knew about it, though the dream ended there, right at the climax. Sad for me because I don’t know what could have happened next. Hopefully, if my dreams are kind to me, I get to have a sequel of it, but even if they are unkind to me, it wouldn’t bother me much as no one of sane mind (at least of my level of sanity) would wish with too much fervour to be haunted by such underworldly issues.
Anyway, as dreams (though I don’t quite recall them but I know I do have them) continue to occupy my sweet slumber moments that will last until next week, I have been starting to think that I am so like so many people. At times, I feel I think the same as one person. When I am with some other person, the same thing arises. Then, it continues on to the next person, and the next and the next.
It’s not an obssession but a certain telepathic connection I seem to think I have with so many others. At the end of it, I get so confused that I start to feel a little sympathy for myself for not really absorbing the essence of being an individual, for being unique.
Despite that, I know I am very different from others. They are these contrasting thoughts I constantly have. I always get bombarded from my housemates for contradicting my own words. LOL!
Anyhow, it’s very compelling to know that there are others who do think like how I sometimes lose myself in my own reverie of bashful thoughts. I feel like a newborn learning that even though spilt milk is inevitable, there is also the comfort in knowing that sweet candies do exist.
Personal satisfaction does vary with different people. Now, I think contentment can only come to me in taking charge of my own life, in assimilating all that experiences, knowledge, wisdom and people can provide into a growing ball of hope, and in searching for balance with the environment, physical and abstract alike.
There is always another thing more I want to attain after achieving something, another bigger bottle of milk after obtaining a normal-sized one. Then when the longing breaks, I wet myself with milk and hope for nothing more than only the normal-sized one. The cycle continues like how birth rates coincide with death rates.
Nevertheless, I don’t have too big dreams because I am aware of the risk of disappointment should they not come true. Too much self-consciousness, bah! Cowardice too maybe.
I only hope that life treats me fine, that life gives me more to look forward to and that life gives me greater confidence to take on bigger things. But then again, I should do my part in not falling back to negative thinking. I now look back and see the once depressed me. Nobody should ever go through what I label as the dark times of my life. I hope that life gives me more ka-ching too, so that I can spend not only on myself but others as well. =P. Though so, hito-chan, do realise that I stick to "money is important when you don’t have it, but it loses importance when you have it".
This suddenly sounds like a new year resolution. Maybe it is because I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now. So here it is. I wish all a wonderful ushering in of a new set of three hundred and sixty five days, and may more of everything is washed onto everyone’s shore of hope.
I shall stop the yakking and start tapping to the music of existence.
I’ll offer pictures whenever I can and feel like it kay peeps.
**tap, tap, tapping**
