From The Bottom Of My Heart

Yesterday, a friend’s grandma went to heaven; today, my own grandma was hospitalised due to unrelenting fever; today, I discovered I actually have a lot to catch up on on my FYP; today, I discovered something about a dear friend I hadn’t expected to come and that had me plunged into disbelief, though I completely understand how the person feels. To be honest with one’s self is always rewarding and satisfying. Today also, I found myself questioning the behaviours of the staff managing the lab and how they could even survive as fellow humans without much to relate to each other and even fear of communicating. Today, has just been unfathomable.

Today, I’m also reminded of how deaths are more apparent this time around, like how they had been last year. The solemn atmosphere seems to be rather amplified these past two days, which prompts me to think more about the spiritual realm and the cause and effects of nature. It’s disturbing in a way, yet makes me utilise my thinking cells to greater activity, unlike how I’ve been taking thoughts for granted in the whole month of October.

Exams are so distant, I’ve become too lazy. I sleep many hours a day now and can’t get by without caffeine. To me that’s a sign of a drop in resistance to combat fatigue and temptation. As bad as it sounds, I now fully understand the quality of a good sleep in.

In relation to temptation and laziness, there is a phobia that’s building in me: a phobia of addiction. That’s why I’m avoiding the computer as much as I can unless there are important tasks to complete. Probably it has got to do with getting hooked to coffee only too easily. I’m so sensitive to everything I do that I tend to avoid hastily, like avoiding conflicts, especially nowadays that I’m around so many people who also have their own deadlines to meet in the lab and being in direct encounters with people whose tails are so reactive to touch.

And then there are matters about insecurity and hypocrisy that have always disgusted me. Double-headed snakes only out to cheat and blind others with their words. I see everything but I don’t think I have grasp over them. I don’t want to start typing everything out or even dwell too long on them because I know it will somehow affect my own state of thinking. All the negative feelings don’t feel anything near good at all.

It just feels the same as everytime when I say I know, I see, I can read, but I can’t do much.

I will just pray.

"Love, joy, peace; what else can we ask for? More of them!=P"

God Bless!

Cornered in body and soul,

I always tell myself,

I shall always break free from this illusion,

But it never fails to return,

Regardless of much recess,

I frequently suggest,

And take pains to fulfill,

To disentangle from,

Yet returns out of longing,

And separation,

It becomes too much to bear,

Its warmth too inviting,

A testimony that will never, never fade.

There is a comprehensible logic in believing that as long as the mind doesn’t think, the desire wouldn’t exist. Yet, as controllable as our minds can be by our own will, our hearts long for with equal pressure from the opposing direction. My heart will always long for.

"giving much, dealing with much"

God Bless!