From The Bottom Of My Heart

Okay, when I’m supposed to be doing something else right at this moment (actually the half-cuckoo kettle needs my aid in keeping it boiling), I’m actually very enthusiastic about this post.

There is this ego and independence issue that I have been thinking about much for very long and that I would like to bring to light to my readers, whoever, wherever, and I would like some feedback because it’s a very open issue. I realise there are societal norms, there are rules that genders should conform (only when they think they want, are willing and are fine being controlled or under the guidance of these societal laws), and every individual has an opinion. It is very subjective and everyone has the right to their views.

I have actually been very baffled by comments and accusations (that is how I feel I’m being looked at) about my independence. The first thing that people should know now is that I’ve been brought up to have a very strong and tough character and to face the wind in its very authentic form, and not turn around to find shelter. Otherwise, I would have crumbled under the shelter itself. Most of my growing up was attributed to me, a girl and the younger of two siblings (ironic because I’m the youngest in the family and thinking of what I have had to face), having had to put up with so many family issues that do not directly involve me, but which have saddened me my entire life even up till now. Do I have to tell the world my sob stories for them to understand my personality? Is that necessary at all?

I’m thinking I’m doing this not because I want justice (maybe a small part of me does want to shoot down comments that I think are put forth before looking at the bigger picture but not fighting to prove innocence or something of that sort; I’ve been dealing with that too long now) but because I want the world to see the big screen, not just the 14-inch black and white telebox.

Here is my confession: I am very independent, extremely inquisitive, and enormously hands-on. I like to do my own things (my homeworks, reports, fix the lamp, repair necklaces, patch up shoes, screw back my spectacles-even had experience of making it worse) because I crave to learn about mechanisms, whatever they are. They just pique my curiosity and most things we have working and moving in our lives involve mechanisms, even the very basic of walking or pressing the buttons of the remote control. Seriously, to think back about it, that was the very reason I loved chemistry and physics in school. In fact, a physics book that I came across while in college left me with that urge to have a change in mind to turn around to STPM while I could. Anyway, that was three years ago.

Now I’m here, with a better understanding of myself, and my values.

There seems to be a compulsion I feel to approach anyone who thinks I’m too independent. Huh! Too independent?!? Is that an adjective anyone ever labels someone else and makes that reason to keep a distance from someone else? I’m baffled beyond understanding. Where has reasoning gone to? And that a girl is too independent that males can smell it from a distance and feel apprehension or fear or disgust? Or that a girl is too independent that other girls think it is inappropriate? Or is it them feeling insecure?

Wow! I never knew people had such unrealistic fears, redundancy that can only appear through thoughts that do not really run deep into neurons.

Is it a problem being able to do things by one’s effort without depending on others?

The disabled will jump in your face and tell anyone who thinks being independent is wrong, that being able to do so many things for yourself and making you and others around you happy is SO INVALUABLE. Only God can do miracles. He spent only He knows how much energy and thoughts into making such perfect creatures out of humans and they dare say being able is something you should not be portraying even if you are able. God and the disabled would be so mad! Being able is exactly what they live their lives hoping for and depending on others is what they despise.

To me, being and portraying someone you are not is fake. I’m sorry to say (I’m probably not actually) but it’s fake. I have tried it, I know how fake it is because when you’re faking it, you do not know how to express yourself in a way that you would feel appropriate, you lose yourself, spiritually and emotionally. At the end of it, no matter how long it takes for you to reach the end, a day, five years, ten years, you would feel insulted by your own faking because you are the one inducing fake responses from others. When you get fake responses, you become more fake and the more you do it, your life becomes entirely fake! Hint: positive feedback! When that happens, there is no meaning in you as an individual anymore because you are just a kite, submitting to the wind, as every other kite does, submit beyond self-strength.

Okay, I’m digressing. Suddenly every sentence contained the word ‘fake’.

Now, back to ego and independence. My main motivation is, as long as I am sincere in everything I do and everyone I meet, I would love to care less. I understand sometimes we cannot just put a stop to others judging. Even we judge ourselves, sometimes harshly too. But there are also such things as acceptance and harmony. If others are not like you are, you just accept them, not condemn them. We are here around each other to build one another, not to shunt and suppress you and me until there is not enough air for both to breathe.

Variety is luxury!

I’m actually very saddened. When I really love substance, I’m forced to face redundant issues, like “Why can’t you be more submissive?”

I do not think I have a problem. The problem lies in “How is it important that I be more submissive?” To feed another’s ego? To let the person feel “Oh I have control over her!”? To make myself feel worthless and another in full might that I need to bow? To be that “Oh I need help~~~~!” girl that so many males (I’m sorry other males who I know are real gentlemen, ‘many’ does not indicate all) love to attend to because they love that feeling of power?

Power and authority come through respect and trustworthiness, not possessiveness and shallowness. The very essence of a righteous person is integrity. Even if one is oblivious to something, when one really bothers to acknowledge the weakness and learn from scratch, others would view one with respect and honour. It is only when one overlooks the matter and becomes a wannabe that one is viewed a coward. Those who can accept others are those who can accept themselves. Those who cannot accept others are denying themselves an opportunity to know others and to know themselves.

I’m done for now. I feel so much better after doing this.

I’m mad about this I think. I feel the tension but again, I understand very much about societal norms, how people live by it blindly without standing with their own values, how they think it is what others should also live by because women need men anyway (For goodness’ sake! Both need each other and everyone needs everyone!). If women depend on men blindly, I think all men will run away from women because that would be scary and tiresome, the same goes the other way.

And I have thought about this, my husband would be someone I share everything with (children, sorrow, joy, money), not someone I put all my burdens on.

“We are all equal in rights and opportunities!” When will we realise that?