From The Bottom Of My Heart

Relocating the depths of openness and commitment can be quite a task to endure. When there used to be a net of comfort to fall back on, there seems now to be an endurance course to cope with before reaching that net. The course is not without its gaps and drops, but does not lack in platforms either. Where the landing matters, the gliding, crawling and swinging will definitely be a great package of thrill and rush too.

Nevertheless, moments of ebb and flow continue to exist. I do not dislike this situation. It may strip me of my defense even more, but I am excited to see how much of my wall will fall and what the culmination of it will be like. It could be interesting to imagine the form of me that will emerge. I can’t wait, I am grinning from ear to ear.

I am awe-stricken, at this new conceitedness I find I possess.

I have always been frequently awe-stricken anyway; with new information. Though I may take a moment to adjust, it really does not automatically mean I am making judgments. The level of my awareness has heightened so much these days I tend to wish I could drown it; when I get myself to drowning it, it seriously gives much relief.

At a time when many are trying to find themselves, I am probably trying to lose myself. It is all a cycle of inhaling and exhaling our awareness. Sometimes, we just need to let it all out to make space for more. Housekeeping it could be.

I feel conceited again. Maybe that is what I have been suppressing.

I was told I have been suppressing a plethora of things in me; emotions, words, actions. I thought I have let out almost completely, yet old habits are difficult to curb. A smile appears on my face everytime I am told so, it is as if my shadow has known all along.

Now, I will emerge as conceited as I need to be. This time, I will jump off the cliff of faith and see what I fall into.

=]

For some reason, I am feeling euphoric. Of course, there are undone tasks, yet I am more attracted to euphoria. It may be perhaps I have realised that laughter is something I have always loved participating in so much, but lost it somehow in the drifting consciousness of it, to only be reintroduced to it after a drag of time.

It really is out of our control what and who comes awaiting at your doorstep when you least expect anything to happen. A dried shriveled paper ball of crushed hope may be encouraged to bloom into a thriving, blooming slimy ball of expanding fibres of desire if only it is left in the rain long enough.

After the trip to a foreign land and the island that is now breathing new life after the tsunami, my eyes have been opened, and so has my heart. I could never have asked for more but that.

There were two incidences whereby our lives were put at risk, with the forces of nature running wild around. The waves of mighty strength that almost overturned our long-tailed boat and the leap of faith provided much afterthought. Although both incidences prompted the rising of a long-awaited urgency, more bloomed from them. I would like to think of it as serendipity. Or probably serendipities.

In a short span of time, there have been many a discovery I have chanced upon, about myself, about others, about the universe around me. Many deja vus too I will say. They never fail to surprise and make me smile.

There is not much I long for, but there are things I see myself in. I will and I must.

=] God Bless Everyone =]