From The Bottom Of My Heart

Whatever the reason is, somehow I think living with my parents feels so much like living in a trap in which my expressions and thoughts are suppressed.

I do not blame them or love them any less for this feeling, but I do hope there are things which they can learn to pay more attention to or develop a better sensitivity to important issues. They are not aware I realise, as I have pointed out to them before but that they could not really accept for reasons I deduce to be that they prefer to rest in the comfort of familiarity to reviewing their principles once in a while because it can be too risky an ‘adventure’.

Now, I can feel a gentle reaffirmation to my yet-to-be-taken-off plans to find a place I can be free to be myself. It will take a lot of effort and determination though, and a whole feast of chewing on my guilt, but I foresee that I will feel much better, not so trapped and suppressed.

It has not been very long ago, but it feels as if I have lost a lot.

I definitely think about it everyday; it’s just a matter of degree day to day. No doubt I am standing by myself, just waiting and waiting to accept anything that comes from that direction, I can only do just that. I  have questioned myself if I’ll keep waiting and no matter how wrenching it is, I just will.

It was something I treasured and still treasure a lot. It’s even more precious than finding gold. I put it very close to my heart, and I’ll just wait. The feeling is not uplifting. A haunting that completely had me drenched of even the muscles of my heart will only remind me to treasure it even more, which ironically is something I have gained from it all.

Now I know how deep appreciation comes about, and it will last.

At this point of my journey, I feel a great need to emphasise on living my life as I wish to and working as if I’m living. Living to me means having wonderful moments every minute of the day, hence working will also mean the same.

Unfortunately, the line has widened so much now that there appears to be a ring to consider it thoroughly rather than taking every single opportunity that knocks at the door. It may be enticing to reach out for what has been laid out as opposed to that that is still wrapped in folds, yet the core of it all boils down to the essential drive.

It may seem now a little irresponsible, rebellious, ungrateful and foolish even, but do I need to bow to fears and worries, and proceed with a hardened soul and heart, or allow the warmth of joy, passion and excitement overwhelm with a great purpose and pursuit?

I think I know the answer; the decision is easy, but no doubt comes with many a repercussion and worries from outside sources. The move will definitely cause a major destruction of hopes. Yet, I do not see a point if I end up losing my soul amidst a surface-oriented structure. After all, what is a human entity if not of emotions, feelings, sincerity and joy?

***In the midst of yet another leap***