From The Bottom Of My Heart

Wow, I’m actually very emo now. Lately I’ve been thinking about that word a lot and labeling my emotions as such, which is what they are - emo. It’s actually a short form of emotional, but emo has held rule over the actual word in my case, probably because I subconsciously do not really want to be emotional but am frequently that way.

Just a few seconds or minutes of communication and I was in tears. Because I miss so much, so much that I feel overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings, mainly of love and of warmth. If the Mum, who treads left and right by my back as I type this, busying about her business, had seen, she would have wondered what the matter was.

The overwhelming experience has opened my heart so much to this world. If not for that, I may not be the person I am now, sincerely, truthfully. I probably would still be lost in my own realm, burying myself in heaps of self pity and hopelessness.

The years have made me love only more, made me want to give only more, made me know myself so intimately, then to know others no less.

I love, I miss, I care, I wish, I pray.

God Bless!

My eyes were opened, my heart was shown the world and now, I miss. I have always missed.

I have become a much better person by leaps and bounds through the period that gave me so much insight, whether on my own or not. I miss.

From now ahead, I wish the best. My sincerity pours out, I pray.

God Bless!

Treading along the path of disappointment is no walk in the park. Having your integrity questioned even though you have put all your heart into a cause is a rough swallow.

Nevertheless, what I have learned is that I can only afford to control my own reactions and it is entirely my choice to be and do what I want. Reactions from others may affect me but it is imperative that I step out of myself and be my own critic to continue on the path of achievable balance. I was angry, my blood was boiling, I was in rage, but now I feel the heat dissipating slowly but surely.

A comment from a dear one told me that I need to be bold enough to believe in my own thoughts and decisions. It struck me as an assurance to what I have always felt. Now, I need to dig deep into my ideas and abilities to see what I can offer for the better of the circle of human bonds.

Months have passed, events have unfolded in many ways, I am in a space again, in which I appreciate every passing moment whether I am lying on my bed, reading a book, reading the Bible, scribbling notes, doing work on the computer or out of the house meeting people for projects or whiling away time with dear ones.

This feeling, I haven’t been quite aware of until now, when I seem to be feeling an overwhelming sense of appreciation and gratitude.

Lately, the way people are linked to each other appears to have been giving me continuous surprises. For no seemingly apparent reason, I was in an activity with two people I had not met for a whole year. Even knowing it was not impossible, it still caught me unaware and dumbfounded. In another case, I recently found out that a friend is actually a friend of a friend of another friend and we all may most likely be doing something together. Isn’t life full of astonishments when it comes to people?

I’m very grateful for all the coincidences that have come my way. In a way, I learn that we live in a circle of human bonds. Everything that we do, it affects others too and it is God’s way of telling us He oversees all that we are, have and be.

Coincidences are God’s way of being anonymous.

- Albert Einstein -

Woohoo! I had my hands on softball again yesterday! =D

Feelings: More than delightful and grateful.

Six years was a long wait, but the process of anticipation made the eventual event even more exciting; my heart was pounding and my body could not stop perspiring. Tossing, pitching and throwing, even a while, gave me much contentment.

The past week has been amazing, even with the failure of the rose project. Missed steps can be quite thrilling and fun really, without taking into account that the pocket and all efforts suffered crushed expectations.

I’m looking forward to many more projects to come, with the setting of realistic and practical goals too of course.

Having gone through three days of continuous wrapping and selling of roses with little sleep in between, then to be on a mangrove launch assignment entirely by public transportation that brought me to KL and back to Klang again because of a location misconception, my body should feel like a wreck.

After years of convincing myself to avoid taking supplements, I’m astonished by the wonders of Omega 3 fish oil - thanks to the Dad.

For the rose project, my heartfelt appreciation goes to the Raleigh people, friends and others; you know who you are!

For the softball experience, my gratitude to an old friend.

God Bless!

* Laugh as long as you breathe, love as long as you live *

What type of roots do you have? How do you live your precious life by? Are your roots deeply buried in the ground to at least secure from the base your ever exposed leaves, branches and solid trunk?

I read: somewhere that crying is being gentle to yourself.

I agree: that indeed it is one of the more therapeutic things to indulge in.

I have: always been gentle to myself for the sake of sanity and restoration.

I feel: a loving kindness flowing so much it is only purposeless to retain.

I want: to be able to do more than now.

I yearn: to know and to resume where it stopped.

I hope: it is only everlasting.

I think: it was wonderful.

I know: as much as I am confident enough to guess.

I am sure: I will appreciate as much as I have appreciated for so long.

May the curtains be drawn open to reveal the beautiful sky and sunlight that have always been there.

Happy Chinese New Year and happy holidays!

By this time, I have become quite rotten, waiting for the hands of the clock to move faster. I wonder why I did not apply for earlier leave instead.

This entire week has been my vaccination period for the coming Chinese New Year; how timely! I expect I will be able to eschew from the festive illness given the current immunity boost happening now.

It all started with the Gabai midnight trip. It was a highly unusual and exciting activity, nevertheless a risk to health as the water was grippingly chilly.

During the trip, I managed to develop a throat infection, which I also attribute to a low liquid level in my body. I was anticipating the worse, probably a fever and a full-blown drop in immunity, but I was quite spared the rest except for the throat and a slightly higher than usual body temperature I measured myself judging from experience.

Since I am I, not surprisingly, I relished much in having an excuse to rest for two and a half days. =]. Something negative turned into more positives. I am just delighted except once when I was alarmed into thinking a terrible viral infection was showing up due to a sudden queasiness from the antibiotics.

Looking back at Saturday night though, I still smile because of how unprepared I was and how all of us shivered! hehe!

I would do it again, with more heat (probably having cheese or a cuppa liqour would do the trick), with a huge towel, and with the post-hotspring visit again!

Woohoooo!

The server is down, operations are slow and it is now that I realise we have become so dependent on or rather, attached to our computers that they are akin to a limb of the body. I’m wondering how people before the computer generation had been able to work effectively without their personal assistant!

Well, I wonder that way, but at the same time, the logical part of me argues that it is because there is such a thing as adaptation. Put into any situation, humans have the capacity to find solutions to achieve a particular goal. Pre-computer-age people might have had a manual system going on. In fact, they would most likely have gasped the way I am stretched now, at the idea of having a computer on their side and told to put away with the manual ways of going about matters.

Adaptation – is a process, hence requires time and effort. It is not achievable within a short span of time with scarce notice and abrupt implementation.

Similarly, the process of the human self to accept a new concept may entail much reasoning and conditioning.

For example, within the half an hour of receiving an invitation to participate in an activity you really never quite thought you would ever be involved in, your mind would experience a certain amount of upheaval in regard to making a decision. If you think great, it will be a new and exciting experience, there is a good chance you will accept the offer in good will. On another hand, if you think I would love to but I think I don’t have the capacity or ability to, for whatever reason that your human self may summon, you may probably feel a slight frustration and morbidity with the fact that you want but you can’t. The most probable factor for declining is that your mind may need a fair bit of conditioning before reacting positively. The next time around, you may just jump at the chance.

I did not quite understand that process, but now I do, after a random mental dissection.

The main thing that affects our reactions is the conditioning of the mind. Different people have varying degrees of mental preparation. Some may move forward in a spark, some may need to digest a new experience over a course of time and reasoning.

Let us expand our horizons to see the inspiring sun, calming skies, sprawling mountains, restful seas, glimmering stars and captivating wildlife in their greatest glory!

Today, I will celebrate the end of 2008 by celebrating my existence and the love of God.

I look forward to a sparkling 2009.

Somehow, I feel like being alone today; somehow, the thought of having a glorious opportunity to embrace only my own body, thoughts and feelings makes me so excited that even my liver is grinning. =D

I do question this sudden urge, and am examining it only to come to a conclusion that I should not reach a conclusion at all, but just bask in gaiety.

It sure does feel weird; heaven knows what is running in the minds of others.

I experience slow digestion, both biologically and mentally, so it may be the reason my mind is unconsciously adapting after watching Juno - a lovely movie about the capacity of human intelligence, humour, awareness and love.

As usual, there will be no resolutions for the New Year again as I do not quite entertain the idea of making pledges of renewal just because another set of 365 days is dawning. I believe more in regeneration of thoughts and emotions everyday, whenever there is a chance to.

Anyhoo, cheers to a splendid 2009!

Embracing ourselves and the moment is all we ought to learn more to do

It is undoubtedly true that labelling and categorising only allow the brain to function more effectively in recalling details and in reacting to events.

I have a statement to make though; it is not necessary to label EVERYTHING. A few people around have been categorising actions and although I laugh, I feel it would be easier to leave them uncategorised, for the sake that the actions be perpetuated without worrying about how they would appear.

Anyway, that’s that.

__________________

From a conversation with a dear one last night, I am relieved to know that finally, I have found an outside source of justification for my actions and reactions, simply because we are both going through the same dynamics of a particular circumstance that involves a myriad of emotions.

The discovery has made me feel gratitude for having another soul understand where I stood and all that I could and can do.

I only hope for the better of what comes out of both our ordeals.